Imagine you’re walking through a dark alley at night. Suddenly, you see something move.
Your heart starts racing… but it turns out to be just a plastic bag in the wind. You breathe a sigh of relief.
This ‘overestimation of danger’ happens more quickly when we’re scared, or when we’re alert. Perhaps because you’re walking through a shady part of town, or because it’s nighttime rather than daytime.
When we’re alert, we’ll more easily make the ‘mistake’ of interpreting a neutral cue as a dangerous cue.
This is because our brain is mainly programmed to keep us alive. In terms of survival, it’s better to misinterpret something safe for something dangerous a hundred times (a hose for a snake), over misinterpreting something dangerous for something safe even once – because that will you get in mortal danger.
Our brain is programmed to protect us, and it sees a weakened bond with your loved one as a potential danger.
A deep part of your brain knows that disconnection is dangerous.
When we feel insecure or disconnected, our ‘danger sensors’ are on high alert. We might then:
– Interpret a neutral comment as criticism
– Take a sigh as a sign of dissatisfaction rather than your partner just being tired
– Interpret a frown as anger instead of for instance, them feeling very worried or anxious
Of course this is tragic. Because these interpretations often lead to the very thing we deep down fear most – disconnection.
By understanding that our brain sometimes raises ‘false alarms’, we can:
1. Pause before we react – we can take a break or engage in self-care
2. Ask ourselves: “Is this really what my partner means?”
3. Then, when we aren’t triggered, communicate gently and ask for clarification
4. Take in our partner’s reassurance and soothe our fear together
So the next time you notice yourself getting triggered, perhaps take a (mental) step back.
Take a deep breath, and ask yourself: “What’s really happening here?”
Safety in your relationship is created together. If you can both compassionately create space for each other’s feelings and thoughts, life becomes a place where you’re both welcomed together.
