In therapy world, emotionally focused couple therapy is seen more and more as the method for relationship therapy. And for good reason: it has the best results of any couple therapy. It has been empirically proven that EFT moves 70-75% of couples from distress to recovery, while another 15% experiences at least an improvement in their relationship.* Evidence shows that these positive effects last over time. These results are unprecedented, and it is because with EFT you go to the heart of the matter.
But what actually is EFT? Here are four key points of this form of therapy:
1. A collaborative approach where your experience, feelings, and knowledge are leading
An EFT therapist will not tell you what to do or bring in vague philosophical truths. Rather, an EFT therapist will work in collaboration with you to guide you through the process of uncovering emotion, thoughts, and needs. They have expert knowledge on how attachment and emotions work, and support positive change by helping crystallize both what happens inside of you, and between you and your partner.
When working together with an EFT therapist, know that they will prioritize both trust and alliance with both partners while refraining from being partial. The space between you and a therapist should be a safe haven, one of mutual respect and humanity.
2. An EFT therapist has a clear map on where to go in therapy, and what to aim for next
EFT is a scientifically validated method backed by more than 30 years of research. It started with a team of researchers looking at numerous videos, coding them, and eventually noting exactly what moves relationships from disconnection to connection. This was then poured into a model and backed by more research across a variety of cultures, situations, and different types of relationships. Although every situation and every couple is different, we share similar fundamental human needs – one of those being the need to belong and the need to feel connected. Based on an extensive understanding of human nature and attachment science, your therapist will be able to guide you through this maze of emotions and will help you find a way back to connection.
3. Emotions have an origin, they make sense and are the key to change
Maybe sometimes you feel so much, that it feels like you’ll drown in your emotion. Or maybe you often find it difficult to know what you’re exactly feeling. Regardless, not just your emotions make sense but also the way you deal with them. We have learned through our childhood, relationships and countless other encounters how to deal with our emotions. We have learned that we can (or cannot) depend on other people for our needs, and subconsciously learn to adapt to this expectation.
If from a young age you learned to expect that your needs are always dismissed, or if there was little space for your emotions, after a while you could start to learn to deal with things on your own. Even at a later age, it could remain challenging to show your vulnerability, or ask for help. Sometimes, we’ve learned that it’s more safe to show anger than vulnerability, or perhaps we’ve heard time and again that sharing our sadness takes up too much space.
When these ways of dealing with emotions become rigid, they can become dysfunctional and no longer contribute to our wellbeing. For instance, maybe we automatically put up walls whenever we hear critique. Or maybe we become very anxious whenever our partner takes some time for themselves.
Creating the space to explore our emotions, be heard and understood, often uncovers a deeper meaning and need. Anger about your partner’s absence might reveal a deep sense of loneliness and sadness. Putting up walls doesn’t have to mean we don’t care, but rather it might just be too much to handle.
It’s much easier to connect with someone’s deeper emotions, than with someone’s reactive anger, withdrawal, or criticism. Oftentimes people find that when their partner starts sharing from this place of deeper vulnerability, a new sense of understanding and connection starts to arise. This creates a chance to experience a deeper connection, which is much more powerful than just trying to talk about solutions. We literally rewire the brain.
4. Recognizing negative patterns and dismantling them
Over time partners start responding to each other in habitual ways, and these ways of responding to each other enforce each other.
For instance, a partner who puts up walls when they receive criticism, may unintentionally make an anxious partner even more alarmed, which might result in more pulling or critique from them, which then creates even more distance from the stonewalling partner. It’s a vicious cycle.
When people get stuck in negative patterns, they often find themselves having the same argument over and over again, feeling more and more frustration, and feeling increasingly disconnected. Gaining insight into the specific dynamics you engage in, is crucial in creating change. Together, we will do just that.
There you have it: with EFT you go to the core of your relationship and what matters. When you choose an EFT therapist, you pick someone who will step away from labels and judgements, and will instead look at your wholeness as a human being. They know how love and attachment works, and will help you reconnect to, and understand both yourself, and your partner.
* Empirical research has supported the effectiveness of EFT, showing that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and about 90% show significant improvements (the best results of any couple therapy) and evidence shows that these positive effects last over time.
Sources:
-Johnson, Susan M.; Greenberg, Leslie S. (July 1985b). “Emotionally focused couples therapy: an outcome study”. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
-Johnson, Susan M.; Wittenborn, Andrea K. (June 2012) “New research findings on emotionally focused therapy: introduction to special section”. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
