It’s quite likely that if you’re currently in an ethical non-monogamous relationship, or if you are considering being in one, you’ve been through quite a journey already. With very few exceptions, most of us are brought up with the narrative that romantic love should be between two people, and only between two people. Anything else is wrong. Anything else means your partner doesn’t really love you, or means you’re an evil, selfish person, and so on. Lots of people therefore don’t come to the realization that a relationship can indeed be constructed differently, until they suddenly find themselves in a reality where the narrative no longer holds.
They might suddenly feel with wonder that yes, they still very deeply love their partner, and they feel infatuated with someone else. They ask themselves how that’s possible, because weren’t they told that one can only fall in love with someone else if there’s something wrong with your current relationship?
The truth is that there doesn’t have to be something wrong or evil about you or your relationship at all, if you’re attracted to someone else. The truth is that there’s as many different ways to go about a relationship, as there are people on this planet. Monogamy is a beautiful choice. There’s undeniable grace in being able to choose one person, and commit to being intimate with only them. Yet, there are other equally beautiful ways to engage in relationships, that most people don’t dare consider.
Something very deep, very fragile, very vulnerable within us might get deeply alarmed when we think about losing our partner. Relationships are our emotional homes. It’s where we come rest after the woes of life hit us, it’s where we celebrate our victories and share our most profound moments of joy.
And the thought of your partner loving someone else might feel like potentially losing them.
It’s not strange that the idea of polyamory is rejected by many.
It touches upon core fears. One’s deepest concerns about one’s own self-worth, about what love and commitment mean, and for many it triggers a deep fear of rejection or abandonment.
It’s a very valid choice not to choose polyamory.
And it’s a very valid choice to choose polyamory.
It’s safe to say that people who do choose this path have set themselves to a very challenging journey. Yet, for those who do, the rewards can be bountiful. In no other place can you learn as much about yourself as in relationships, and polyamorous relationships potentially increase that learning potential by a thousand.
Many poly people say that they find immense growth in being able to face their own inner demons, and discover that the core of their fear was about something else than they thought it was. They’re able to conquer these fears and turn them into opportunities for connection. Many poly people discover a way of being intimate with their partner(s) that they had not thought possible before. One where they stand in front of their partner bare and vulnerable, with all their desires, needs, and boundaries, and are -still- accepted and loved. One where they find in that vulnerability, in the owning of their emotions and needs, a powerful sense of autonomy. One where they commit to honesty and authenticity, and are able to be themselves completely.
Regardless of the way you want to shape your relationship(s); it’s an individual matter. It is between you and your partner(s). And regardless of the way you want to shape your relationship; if it’s a consensual agreement that is mutually beneficial, I can help you find ways to make your relationship(s) blossom even more.
Your love is valid.
The way you want to love is valid.
Great resources for anyone, and especially those on a non-monogamous relationship path:
*All the links below are my affiliate links from Amazon. Of course feel free to buy the book through your local bookstore and support them directly!
If you’re interested in articles on ethical non-monogamy, attachment, and general psychology, then perhaps you’d like to visit my other website ethically-open.com, where I’ll post articles specifically on these topics.
You can also follow me on Instagram: www.instagram.com/ethicallyopen.
To read my article on how EFT and ENM can work together, see: EFT and ethically non-monogamous clients.
–Hold me tight – by Sue Johnson. The author is also the psychologist who developed the most succesful couples therapy in the world, EFT. Her books are very approachable and easy to read and give insight into the dynamics you and your partner could be trapped in. The fundament of attachment theory applies to all of us, although you might have to make the translation to your specific relationship dynamic.
–Polyamory: A clinical toolkit for therapists (and their clients) – by Martha Kauppi. One of the most comprehensive, useful books on Polyamory out there, Martha Kauppi combines both a nuanced and well-informed perspective with practical assignments. This is also one the few books affirming a polyam-mono relationship style.
–The Ethical Slut – Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy. A great place to start navigating anything non-monogamy, this book has been called the bible for polyamorous folk.
–Polysecure – Jessica Fern. Finally a book that combines attachment theory with non-monogamous relationships!
–A smart girl’s guide to polyamory – Dedeker Winston. Although I wasn’t too big of a fan of the title, this book was down to earth and brought clear insights! Not just useful for female identifying folk!
Wat een mooi stuk. Dank.
Ik heb precies meegemaakt wat je beschrijft in je artikel. Ik heb deze gevoelens altijd gehad, maar altijd weggestopt (ook in monogame relaties). Dat was voordat dit onderwerp (voor mij althans) bespreekbaar was. En niemand om me heen was ermee bezig. Ik worstelde er destijds echt heel erg mee. Alsof ik in de knoop zat en niet vrij kon zijn, want ik voelde me zo anders dan vanuit de samenleving de bedoeling was. Al die bagage die ik mee had gekregen, dat moest toch kloppen? Maar ik voelde dat ik niet eerlijk t.o.v. mezelf kon zijn en dus ook niet t.o.v. anderen. Toen ik in 2009 ‘Verslaafd aan de liefde’ las, knakte er iets en dat voelde echt als uit de kast komen. Zeker toen ik het met mijn familie besloot te delen. Die schrokken zich rot. In de jaren daarna las ik ook de boeken die je deelt en als ik iets geleerd heb, is dat ‘de polyamorie’ niet bestaat. Het is voor iedereen anders, wordt anders beleefd, vanuit andere motieven en vanuit andere fasen van de levens van mensen. Maar ik weet zeker dat openheid en eerlijkheid altijd langer duren dan liegen, bedriegen en wegstoppen
Wat fijn om je reactie te mogen lezen.
Het verhaal dat verteld wordt over de liefde is erg rigide en eenzijdig. Het is alsof er een heleboel ideeën automatisch geplant worden bij iemands opvoeding, die misschien eigenlijk helemaal niet passen bij wie iemand is, en hoe iemand wilt liefhebben. Ik denk dat het beseffen daarvan, en het durven loskomen van bestaande normen en je eigen ideeën vormen over de liefde, één van de meest moeilijke en moedige processen is die je kunt aangaan. Wat prachtig dat je een manier hebt gekozen die eerlijk en open naar jezelf, en ook naar anderen aanvoelt.