Do you want to explore your relationship with a professional, without worrying if the therapist is prejudiced against any one form of relating?

If you’re a in a relationship where you’re considering what type of relationship you ultimately want together, it’s already challenging enough as it is. If you’re amongst those people who are open to receiving (professional) support during this journey of discovery, I celebrate you. Going against the grain, discovering what you and your partner(s) want in a way that is mindful and deliberate, is truly wonderful and deserving of praise.

It’s also very vulnerable.
You don’t want to have to justify your reasoning or desires to a relationship therapist, or overly educate your therapist on existing terminology or motivations. There are often already enough people jumping at the opportunity to judge you. There’s already enough to figure out. You don’t want to be pushed to any specific way of relating, but instead want to have a safe space to explore the possibilities together. Remarkably, clients who come in because they have different ideals for a relationship structure, still often mention explicitly that they want their psychologist to be truly non-judgemental, instead of favoring any one side.

Whether you desire monogamy, or may or may not not want to explore some openness in your relationship, or whether you cherish a polyamorous dream, or you’re ambiamorous or maybe you are completely unsure; your relationship ideals are valid. Please don’t let anybody tell you, including your relationship therapist, that your desired relationship ideal is in any way not enlightened enough, or too traditional, or impossible, or whatever else. There are as many relationship possibilities are there are people, and just because those around you might have strong opinions about what they think a relationship should look like, doesn’t mean that your dreams are less valid.

Of course, when you’re already in a relationship with someone, you want to tread with care, and treat your relationship and partner(s) with kindness and respect. You want to take your partner(s) into consideration, while hopefully also give yourself enough space to discover what it is that you really want.

 

Do you want to open up your relationship?

 

Most people need to feel truly safe before they can engage in, or even envision exploring non-monogamy.
Goals for couples counselling, where people are considering potentially opening up their relationship, are therefore often two-fold:

1. 1. Discovering what underlying (communication) patterns prevent you from having a safe connection.
      This part is about how you have conversations. What happens when you try to discuss something together, and instead you both end up feeling disconnected? You’ll need to know how to talk together in safety first. Non-monogamy is an intensifier. It can make wonderful relationships even more wonderful, and it also has the tendency to bring out all the ‘weak’ points in a relationship.
   2. Discussing agreements to make sure you’re exploring (potential) non-monogamy in a sustainable way.
      When people start off therapy, sometimes there’s already someone else in the picture or they’ve already started dating. It is essential to go really slow and be very deliberate about agreements you make to not cause harm. Especially in this stage, couples who are newly opening their relationship often go through a lot of unnecessary suffering by either going too fast, or making half-hearted agreements only to break them later on. The foundation for trust is built during this stage. Trust becomes very difficult when you don’t work on building the skillset necessary for non-monogamy, amongst which: being extremely aware of yourself and your own needs and boundaries, being able to be honest and express a ‘no’, even if that might sadden or anger your partner, being able to take accountability, being aware of triggers, and making agreements you want to keep to, amongst other things.

Want to talk?

I offer online sessions worldwide

I am a psychologist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, and have extensive experience working with both monogamous couples and non-monogamous constellations. In my practice, you’ll truly be safe to explore which forms of relating work for you and your partner(s).

 

In my own life, I have been very happy with monogamy, polyamory, and other forms of ethical non-monogamy.

Feel free to e-mail me for questions, or book an introductory session!

Wonderful resources:
Book: Polysecure by Jessica Fern
Book: Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) by Martha Kauppi
Podcast on Spotify: Multiamory
And since community is essential, please find polyamory meet-ups near you!

Finding trained relationship therapists with awareness on polyamory isn’t always easy, and if you want to find someone near you I’d recommend visiting www.polyfriendly.org or www.iceeft.com (therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, the most succesful modality for relationship therapy currently available). For the latter website, you’ll have to explicitly ask the therapist if they’re experienced in working with non-monogamy. Please never hesitate to ask your therapist if they’re experienced in working with people in alternative relationship structures, and please ask them how open they are to various relationship structures.