Online relationship therapy

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Many different people go to therapy, for many different reasons. Some people pre-emptively follow workshops and therapy sessions to boost their relationship, others use therapy as a periodical check-up, and others come when they're at the brink of divorce.

People who come for individual sessions often feel stuck, deal with tiredness, signs of depressions, anxiety, or a general decreased feeling of wellbeing.

Whenever you feel ready to invest in yourself or your relationship, when you want to gain new insights, when you want to experience a deeper connection, or perhaps gain answers on questions you have; all would be good moments to engage in therapy.
People from all walks of life come to therapy, from many different cultures, religions, educational levels, and sexual orientations.

It is very dependent on your personal (shared) history, your relationship dynamics, and your desired goal.
On average people start gaining insight and notice positive changes after only a couple sessions, and most people stop taking sessions anywhere from 15-25 sessions.
If you have a traumatic past, or if you have had recent relationship injuries, more sessions might be needed.

A sense of safety is crucial in EFT. If there are conditions that prevent safety, it is important to work on these first with a specialized therapist.

The following factors are contraindications for couple therapy:
-Active risk of abuse or violence between partners (emotional, physical or sexual abuse).
-Active or untreated mental illness or addiction with one or both partners.
-One or both parties have already made the decision to separate or divorce. If this is the case, we will not engage in couples therapy, but can decide together what your goal for coming to therapy would be. Some people would still like to work on getting closure in a way that is healthy, and understand what has happened in the past. It is important to explicitly decide the goal together, setting clear expectations and boundaries.
-One or both parties are engaged in outside relationships, while this is not consensually agreed upon by both partners. In the case of an affair, there needs to be a willingness to disclose this to the other partner, and the willingness to work on restoring the relationship.

In the form of therapy that I practice, it is key to build up trust and vulnerability. The exact meaning and definition of these differ in each relationship.

Many couples have at least some things they don't explicitly express towards each other.
For instance, for some, talking elaborately about a previous sex-life might be important, while other couples might deem the minute details of previous sexual endeavors unimportant and irrelevant. What you choose to share in your couple is wholly dependent on your unique relationship, and I respect and honor that. However, when there are secrets in the room that are so large that they will impact the future of your relationship, such as an ongoing affair, then there needs to be the desire of the partner holding the secret to open up and deal with this elephant in the room. I can support you with sharing these secrets, and find ways to help you both heal. However, if secrets are kept and found out later, it will likely impact trust and our efforts negatively. There needs to be a willingness to be open, and to work on restoring trust in the relationship.

There's another aspect to keeping significant secrets that is not discussed as much. True intimacy comes from being able to stand in front of someone with your whole being, and still be accepted. Keeping essential parts of you secret, by definition, creates separation and disconnection. This is tragic, because the one person you care about the most will lose out on the chance to get to know you intimately. Of course there is a reason you have felt that you couldn't share this part of yourself before. But I'm here to let you know that all parts of you are accepted and are welcome.

EFT has the best results of any couple therapy, and it has been empirically proven that 90% of couples show significant improvements in their relationship. Evidence shows that these positive effects last over time. These results are unprecedented, and it is because with EFT you go to the heart of the matter.

The four key points of this form of therapy are:
1. It is a collaborative approach where your experience, feelings, and knowledge are leading
2. An EFT therapist has a clear map on where to go in therapy, and what to aim for next
3. Emotions are intelligent and adaptive, they make sense and are the key to change
4. Recognizing negative patterns and dismantling them

Read more about EFT here Blog: What is EFT couples therapy?

In most cases, relationship therapy is no longer reimbursed by Dutch health insurance. When relationship therapy is a part of the treatment for DSM-diagnosed disorders for one or both partners, you might have a chance of reimbursement. However, I do not work with health insurance companies, and the cost of therapy is at your own expense. The advantage of this is that you do not need permission from the health insurance company or doctor, there will be no deduction of your health insurance’s own risk, and no medical diagnosis is made.

If you are an expat living in the Netherlands and you'd like more information on the Dutch healthcare system, you might want to read this article.

If you are currently experiencing financial challenges, but are still interested in therapy, please feel free to contact me and we can discuss possibilities.

People who have friends they can confide in are very lucky. Friends are important to have in life, and they make life's burdens so much easier to bear, when these inevitably surface. However, our friends are generally not trained to look at our relationships from an impartial perspective, with an in-depth knowledge of attachment science and psychology.

Friends are also by definition, often partial. And while it is definitely great to feel heard and understood by friends, people might end up in an echo chamber of their own thoughts, having friends exclaim: "Yes! That is indeed a horrible thing your partner did!"
A therapist tries to see deeply into your wellbeing, seeing that your happiness is most fulfilled when your relationship is a safe haven, if this relationship is indeed what you want and need.

A skilled EFT relationship therapist will not only do their best to understand you, but they'll do their best to understand your partner as well, and will work to turn you both away from the feeling of having to win arguments, or standing opposed to each other. The therapist will help translate your different worlds to each other, and bring you closer in a way that only a third impartial person, who cares equally for both, can do.

I hear this question very often. One of the partners might be ready, or even desperate for help, while the other thinks that there isn't any point in going. It can be quite hard when you feel clearly that you need help, and your partner doesn't seem to be open to it. Even though you might be in pain, and even though you might feel doubt, by opening up to the idea of therapy you are currently still fighting for your relationship. I see this as a sign of strength, and courage.

You are very welcome to come in alone first. Having a place to share your emotions and be heard, can already create a powerful healing in itself. We can also work on creating more space and insight, which you can then bring into your relationship.

And even though your partner seems resistant to the idea of therapy, often it isn't because they don't want to work on the relationship. Rather, they might not like the idea of having someone outside of the relationship 'tell them what to do'. They may feel like the two of you should be able to solve it on your own, or perhaps there's a whole different reason. Possibly they even think there's nothing wrong with the relationship in the first place? I'm sure you've heard their reasons. Perhaps you can try to find a moment when you both feel relaxed and open up the conversation again. Maybe you can create space to not only convey your own need for outside support, and the things you'll think the two of you will gain by going, but also create space to fully hear their resistance. Why do they not want to go? What do they think will happen? What will happen if you don't go? Often, people have very valid concerns about bringing someone else into their relationship, and understanding and validating your partner's hesitation might create the space to find solutions.

Maybe you can also discuss together if there are other steps you can take first. For instance, reading a book together, or following a(n online) workshop. You could also ask around you and see if anyone has had positive experiences with therapy. Besides this, you can always book an appointment with me without committing to anything. Making it as low threshold as possible, might make it easier for your partner to be willing to try.

Some of the books I recommend are:
Hold me tight, by Sue Johnson
An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples, by Veronica Kallos-Lilly
The 5 love languages - Gary Chapman

It makes sense that you would prefer to not go to a therapist.
Relationships… It's something we have been told we're supposed to do with our partner, not with other people. Even the mere act of going to a therapist might make some people feel like there's something wrong with them, or their relationship. People might have concerns that they'll be blamed for everything wrong in the relationship, or they've been to a therapist before and it didn't work out. Maybe you feel like your relationship is fine (besides your partner's occasional dissatisfaction), or you think seeing a therapist will end the few peaceful moments you have left. Maybe you doubt if therapy is really effective, or you might want to spend your resources differently. There are so many reasons for not wanting to go to therapy. They're all valid.

My one recommendation would be to explain to your partner that you do care about your relationship, and that you care about them. I would explain what your concerns are, and perhaps together you can try other things like reading a book together. The end-goal isn't going to therapy, it is that you reconnect with your partner, and there are multiple ways to Rome.

I do also invite you to think about what you could gain by going to therapy with your partner. What would a best-case scenario be? Is there anything that you would like to experience differently in your relationship? Could you be interested in therapy under certain conditions?

If you'd like to try something else first, here are some books you might find interesting: Hold me tight, by Sue Johnson An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples, Veronica Kallos-Lilly The 5 love languages - Gary Chapman

If you do decide you're willing to give it a go, know that you can schedule a free one-time introduction meeting with me, no strings attached.

Absolutely.
Regardless of where you come from, what your religion is, what your skin color is, your pronouns, your history, or your desired choice of relationship form: every human being is unique and deserves respect and care.
I'm experienced in working with people identifying as queer, with non-monogamous constellations, and people from different religious and cultural backgrounds.

My style of therapy focusses on what is here in the room with us. This means that beyond the first sessions, where I briefly ask you about important events in your history, I will not explicitly go back to this past, unless it is relevant to what you are feeling or thinking right now in this moment, or if you feel a need to go there. If you feel pain at a certain look on your partner's face, because this reminds you of something from your past, then we'll spend some time here to make sense of the emotion.

Oftentimes people are surprised to discover that the patterns coming up in current relationships, do indeed stem from a long time ago. Going to the moments that shaped how we started looking at ourselves and at the world, and healing any pain there, frees up tremendous space. By only going there when it is relevant, we keep our work together on point and powerfully effective.

Having doubts in a relationship is not per definition unhealthy. Having doubts in a relationship does not necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. What is important is that you are able to talk about your doubt with your partner. It would make sense that you are doubting your relationship, if you have experienced fights over and over again, or you continuously find your needs not being fulfilled, or limits being crossed. It is only human to get weary, to feel the bruises more and more. In a way, it just means we care enough for the other to be able to impact us that much.

People who enter new relationships more often than not will find themselves in similar situations of fighting and disconnection. It isn't strange that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. We often bring negative patterns and beliefs from old relationships into new relationships.

Of course this isn't always the case. Sometimes we find things go much easier with a new partner, than it could have ever been with a previous partner.
In the end, it is a personal decision. How much do you value your current relationship, and the person you are with? Do you remember why you chose them? What you love about them? Do you remember what you love about your relationship? Is it worth fighting for? It is a decision only you can make. What I can promise you, is that whatever the outcome, you'll leave therapy feeling more understood and having learned more about yourself and your partner.

(Un)fortunately, no therapist is alike. If you have been to therapy before, and you did not feel safe, or understood, I am sorry for that. I'm sure every therapist out there does their best, but sometimes, there isn't a good match and it doesn't work out.

However, sometimes people have experienced that they were scapegoated during relationship therapy.
A therapist establishes if there are elements preventing a couple from doing couples therapy, such as ongoing abuse or addiction. If this is the case, it is important to find a specialized therapist that can help you deal with these things first.
When a therapist deems a couple fit for couples therapy, they will from then on do their utmost to be impartial, seeing not just you and your partner, but your relationship as the client. If a therapist takes sides and for instance implies one partner is 'defective' and should change their ways, they fail to see the underlying dynamics between a couple and may create more harm than good. EFT therapists have extensive theoretical knowledge of attachment science based on empirical research, and should know what to aim for in therapy to help you understand each other and move from disconnection towards healing.

I cannot promise you that we are a match, but I can promise you that I'll do my best to help you and your relationship. I can promise you to be impartial, and that I'll do everything within my power to help you. Psychology, interpersonal connection, and relationships have been my reasons to wake up, and my professional point of study for over a decade, and I am dedicated to continue learning every single day.

Feel free to book an introductory session with me, to see if we are a match, and whether it feels right for you to have me as your therapist.

When you are in a relationship, you've obviously tried to deal with issues arising in your couple in your own way. Often, people have experienced that talking about these problems hasn't solved them. Often, the exact opposite happens: the same problems arise but they cost more energy, wear you out more, and make it more difficult to find your way back into connection.

It's not so strange then, that there is concern for what would happen if that Pandora's box of problems were to be opened. People expect the same hurt, and misunderstanding during therapy, but perhaps even more explicitly so. Perhaps you want to keep the peace in your relationship, and you're afraid that going into therapy will deteriorate your relationship.

However, I will be there for you, as your therapist, to guide you into slowing things down before they cause any damage. Having an empathic professional in the room who can translate between the two of you, will make all the difference.

Maybe you know you're more emotional than your partner. Or perhaps you've heard that you seem emotionless. Maybe you know how well your partner moves around other people, or you know that they are better at expressing their thoughts. You might be concerned that your therapist will be so engrossed in your partner's charm or eloquence, that they'll lose track of you and become partial.

It's only natural you would want your therapist to be able to hear, and see you.
I am trained to work with couples and hold both your perspectives, regardless if one of you is very cognitive, or very emotional. It is explicitly built into my therapy process to regularly check in with both you and your partner to assure you are both being heard.

The decision to stay together or to break up, is absolutely not up to any therapist.
It is my very strong belief that people are perfectly capable of making their own decisions. A therapist should work on creating mutual understanding, restoring trust and creating space for each person's experience. When there is a deep understanding of oneself, the other person, and the mutual dynamic, then the answer of whether or not you should stay together will often be answered automatically. More often than not, people find back the sense of love and connection that they once thought lost.